The Online Shitizen – A Community of Turds

I have decided that I shall give titles to all the members of The Online Shitizen. It is only right and good that we all sound grand!

Blandrew Leow – Master of the Universe

Remy LeChoo – Chief Mr Invisible

Meryl Hiam – Senior Grand High Inquisitor

Long Shit Sian – Biggest Penis in the Universe

Motherson Fun – Hottest Gasbag in the Universe

I simply just can’t stop reminding people about a certain important man who passed away about 3 weeks ago, because in doing so, it would make me seem like I really care about his cause and I supported him all those times he was selling his books, and I was standing there with him helping him sell those books, and I gave him money when he needed it, and I was standing right there beside him when he lost everything.

Then now I can milk all the publicity for all its worth, which includes writing this absolutely pointless column, so that I can build up a political base and hope that people will like me and care about what I have to say so that in the future when I enter politics, I can get people to vote for me!

Brilliant plan accomplished! Whee!

Polar ice caps melting? Droughts? Floods? Hurricanes and typhoons destroying your homes? It’s all masterminded by MM Lee! You heard it here first!

As if it wasn’t enough that last week I had to capitalise on somebody’s death to promote my school-girl panties-selling website, now I must also launch into a tirade against the cost inflation that the whole world is experiencing and blame it on the government!

Help! My balls have taken over my brain!

TOS is introducing a weekly commentary on Singapore. We came up with the name when the resident contributor mumbled some gobbledygook and we yelled at the fellow “fucker, har?!?”. The column will mix our pretentious, self-absorbed penises and obnoxious, self-important blather to better (we hope) guide our readers through the Stalinist state of affairs in Singapore. It’s a horrible imitation on the British publication The Economist’s commentary pages. You can find the full introduction here.

Yesterday on the 1st October, I heard on the news that somebody important died. I realised that this was the perfect opportunity for me to go mingle around with the well-wishers and pretend to interview some of them. How excellent if States Times or Media Corpse can do a write up on me or catch me on film! That would be the perfect time for me to flash my balls!

I need to burnish my credentials as a ball-licking famewhore so that in the future when I run for political office, everyone will remember me! yay!

Local man Drew Low today informed us that he discovered a government conspiracy to oppress the average Singaporean, after sticking his head up his ass. Drew spoke to our reporters on camera and here is the footage:

“Today hor, I was doing my usual check of my anus when I discovered government plans laid out in painstaking detail about how ministers were going to oppress the average Singaporean! Unfortunately I had a sudden diarrhoea so the plans were washed away in the lao sai.

Too bad I couldn’t salvage it otherwise I could have published the expose on my blog and become a really important internet person!!!!!!”

And now, for the weather update.