The Online Shitizen – A Community of Turds

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The current global financial crisis requires a co-ordinated effort by all central banks.

omg I’m so smart. cannot stand it.

I have decided that I shall give titles to all the members of The Online Shitizen. It is only right and good that we all sound grand!

Blandrew Leow – Master of the Universe

Remy LeChoo – Chief Mr Invisible

Meryl Hiam – Senior Grand High Inquisitor

Long Shit Sian – Biggest Penis in the Universe

Motherson Fun – Hottest Gasbag in the Universe

Now I’m pleased to add to my LONG list of accolades, Long Shit Sian, master child psychologist. Oh and my penis grew 1 inch more, so it is now officially 13 inches long.

Take that suckazzzzzz!

Unlike our fafillion bazillion dollar ministars like Lim Sway Sway, who managed to feel the richness of Blandrew’s blessed gonads, it pains me to know that a majority of average Singaporeans will never get get to sample it’s heavenly plushness.

There is nothing in this world that is as soft and juicy as Blandrew’s balls (trust me, I know because of personal experience, AND ALSO BECAUSE MY PENIS IS 12 INCHES LONG!!@!@), and it is the constitutional right of all Singaporeans to experience this velvety cushion in their golden years.

I am outraged that the garhmen has constantly changed the rules to increase the minimum lump required to be deposited in our LPF (Lum Par Fund), which has resulted in more and more of Blandrew’s scrotum being held by the garhmen. No wonder Ministar Sway Sway can so comfortably talk about feeling Blandrew’s balls!

Even worse, by raising the retirement age, the garhmen is pushing back the age at which our senior citizens can even smell the aroma of Blandrew’s chocolate salty balls. Most Singaporeans would be too old or sick or even dead by the time the those balls are within reach!

We see more and more Singaporeans having to sell their homes just for a chance at Blandrew’s balls, and eventually have to face a painful choice: Blandrew’s balls, or my HDB flat?

So, how many Singaporeans will, as the minister without portfolio does, feel Blandrew’s balls when they are in their old age?

I simply just can’t stop reminding people about a certain important man who passed away about 3 weeks ago, because in doing so, it would make me seem like I really care about his cause and I supported him all those times he was selling his books, and I was standing there with him helping him sell those books, and I gave him money when he needed it, and I was standing right there beside him when he lost everything.

Then now I can milk all the publicity for all its worth, which includes writing this absolutely pointless column, so that I can build up a political base and hope that people will like me and care about what I have to say so that in the future when I enter politics, I can get people to vote for me!

Brilliant plan accomplished! Whee!

Markets melting? Bank runs? Worthless shares? Foreclosures and repossessions destroying your homes? It’s all masterminded by MM Lee! You heard it here first!

Polar ice caps melting? Droughts? Floods? Hurricanes and typhoons destroying your homes? It’s all masterminded by MM Lee! You heard it here first!

As if it wasn’t enough that last week I had to capitalise on somebody’s death to promote my school-girl panties-selling website, now I must also launch into a tirade against the cost inflation that the whole world is experiencing and blame it on the government!

Help! My balls have taken over my brain!

EVERYBODY LISTEN TO ME!!!

THE GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO STEAL ALL YOUR MONEY!~!!!

YOU MUST BELIEVE ME!! YOU KNOW WHY? LOOK AT ALL MY QUALIFICATIONS!!!

3  Masters  degrees  in  Financial  Planning  &  Financial  Services,  2  Bachelors  degrees  in  Economics  &  Insurance,  and  13  professional  qualifications. A Wharton Fellow, he  is  a Certified  Investment  Fiduciary  Auditor, alumnus  of  Harvard  University and the inaugural United Nations University International Leadership Academy.  He  has  served  as  Honorary  Consul  of  Jamaica,  Representative of the Inter-American Economic Council, Chairman  of  the  Institute  of  Administrative  Management,  on  the  Board of Trustees of the Singapore Professional Centre, President  of  the  Society  of  Financial  Service  Professionals,  the UNESCO Leadership Chair Council,  and founding  Advisor  to  the  Financial  Planning  Association  of  Indonesia. He  has  authored  3  books  and  has  been  quoted  over  700  times  in  the  media  over  the  last  7  years.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MY PENIS IS 12 INCHES LONG! I AM VERY TUA KEE SO YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME!!!

I don’t get it. Why do people say I’m a religious fundamentalist? All I want to do is make sure that doctors will be put in jail for providing abortion services and gays will be put in jail for having sex, like any God-fearing good Christian should be. I’m really just a cute lovely girl! =(

Oh, and all you heathens will go to hell.